Well, lets start at the beginning and say that yesterday was my 22nd birthday!!!
It didn't feel like my birthday as much as usual though. Usually, on my birthday, the whole day hums. It has a certain air to it because its a special day. Yesterday really didn't feel like my birthday as much. But, that didn't really hurt anything b/c I had a wonderful birthday.
At first, it wasn't turning out to be such a great day. First of all, Jamie was a little short with me for most of the morning which really aggitated me and then I also felt like I had the flu most of the day. Really run down with a terrible sore throat. And then, Jamie's mom told me she would take me to lunch and to get my hair cut. So, I make the appointment at 1:45 and she says we'll go to lunch at noon. Well, we didn't end up getting to the restaurant until 1! And as soon as our food came out, we boxed it up and I was STLL 25 minutes late for my appointment! (The waitress was WICKED slow!) So late, that they told me they couldn't fit me in anymore. I was very bitter and actually, Jamie's mom was mad that we left. ("Well why did she make the appointment for that time if she KNEW we were going to lunch??" Yeah, you said we'd go at NOON). So, I made Jamie take me to the mall.
So here comes my favorite part of my whole birthday:
We buy Marci pink....baby....COWBOY BOOTS!!! ::gushes from the crowd:: Can I just say how incredibly obsessed with these boots I am? Because I can't get enough of it. So,she loves them. Wants to hold them before we pay for them and whatnot. So, we get out of Target, and I put them on her and take her out of her stroller and she just stands there...stunned. She has no idea whats going on. What the hell are these things on my feet? Seriously, for a good 10 minutes she wouldn't move. And then, when she finally DID move, she walked without bending her knees! She looked like a mini John Wayne! I almost peed my pants. No, really. I almost did.
So, later one after that, we gather up my nephew Michael, Jasmine, Jamie, and the two exchange students Gi and Juan and head up to the Firehouse for their 30 cent wing night. We get the exchange students drunk, for one. Which, I find absolutly hilarious. It was an all around good time there. No one felt awkward around eachother and we just all laughed about everything. My best friend Jasmine made me so proud with her present. A velvet, form fitting, black pin-stiped blazer with army pins on it and a matching newsie hat. She blew Jamie's stupid "soundtrack to Six Feet Under" that only has TWO songs on it that I like and that I already have in my ipod out of the water. I mean, really. What is that gift? I opened it and was frustrated b/c Six Feet Under is HIS favorite show. Granted its ONE of mine, but it just seems like something he would want and not something I would want. But, I put on my happy face so to not seem ungrateful. But seriously.
After all this is my secret part.
Ahh.
I hung on with Frank last night.
Just me, Sarah Vaughn (whom I LOVE), her friend and FRANK. The F factor, as I used to call him. We went to Kahunaville and then to the Golf Dome. And he was so drunk too. He didn't get incoherent until we hit the golf dome, but he was pretty tanked. Frank the Tank.
And I turn into something when I am around him now. I don't know who I am. I'm not myself.
I used to be this pile of confidence aruond him. I slipped so easily into liquid comfort and never worried about how I sounded, or how I moved, or how I acted b/c I mean, come on now...its my Frankie. My very best friend who I can talk to about everything. But not anymore. He's not Frankie anymore. He's Frank. And I'm not Katie around him. I don't know who I am around him. I don't feel comfortable, but I don't feel awkward. I even notice that my voice sounds different.
But, I played it off as nothing last night. At least I tried. But I couldn't help it when his smell brought back memories of how he felt or how he tasted. And he only lets me run my fingers through his curls when he's drunk, too. So that didn't help. Its no secret that I am obsessed with his hair. Rich mahogany tight curls.
But I had to keep reminding myself that he was drunk, and that is the only reason he is letting me get this close. Since all of the shit happened, he has been hesitant to even hug me.
But the night with him was an emotional rollercoaster. One minute he'd be picking me up, making flirty remarks,and showering me with attention and I felt like his goddess again. And then the next minute he'd be all over Sarah's friend or another hot girl and my insides would twist but my brains would say "What are you doing, you married woman? You have no right to feel jealous. Let him go and be happy."
And then the worst part. We slow danced. I didn't want to. I said no. But he grabbed me. And between the exaggerated dance gestures and the way-out of tune singing, he would say things. He would say "So did you miss me?" and when I wouldn't answer "Because I missed you". And in my coyist, most confident way "If you miss me so much, why are you all up on those girls?" And then he would answer "I'm only up on them because I can't have the one I really want. I'm using them as a distraction because I can't stand seeing you and knowing that I can't hold you or kiss you."
Ok. That conversation didn't happen. But, when we were dancing he would make little comments about our past. He's so confusing.
But why am I confused? I shouldn't be confused. I'm MARRIED. MARRIED WITH A CAPITOL MONOGAMY. Which, then, confuses me even more and its a constant stuggle with understanding. But then I think....would I really be having these feelings if I was happy in this? But, also, Jamie doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve a wife like me. And I should focus on my marriage for Marci. She's the roots holding this whole thing in the ground.
I'll say one thing. Frank is NOPatrick.