_______________________________________
Had it up to the gills...
makes you cry while
the milk still spills.
Ain't it just a bitch? What a pain...
Well it's all a crying shame. What
left to do but complain? Better find someone to blame.~OK GO
So, I haven't updated in a couple days. I actually had a really cute entry on Friday and Marci was playing around the computer and I don't know WHAT she did, but she hit SOME button and POOF it disappeared! And it was really well written and everything! I was so disappointed.
Friday was a pretty lazy day. Well, that doesn't make it much different then every other day. I've been pretty depressed lately (actually, I'm thinking about getting tested for depression. I have all the symptoms), and I spent a good chunk of the day while Jamie was gone sitting on the computer crying and feeling bad for myself. I finally realized at around 2:30 that self-pity and self-loathing wasn't getting anything done, so I decided to take Marci for a walk.
The day was just one of those days where it felt good to your skin. It was around 70 and the trees were peppered with gold and red and orange. I couldn't waste it. So, I strapped my Ba in her stroller and she immediatly perked up from her "I'm training for the Whining Olympics" mood and started talking to the trees and trying to grab the sky. Every few minutes I'd stop and pick up a leaf and give it to her. She'd grab it from me with such simple delicacy and I tried to tell her all about how autumn paints the leaves. And she always sits on the very edge of her stroller, so when I stop she flings back real fast. It's hilarious.
Then, I went back to Alberini's for the first time in months. It actually went a lot better then I expected. I was dreading it all day long, but once I got there, it felt better. It is just so much more tense there than Damons. But I need the money. Afterwards, Rose picked me up and we went to-where else-The Funky Skunk. I looked really hott. I cut these jeans into stylish capris right before she came and I wore them with my thrift store heels that look so 50's housewife..I love it...and my "Free Katie" tshirt I got off the internet. All completed by ribbon layered around my neck and a studded belt.
ANYWAY...Rose picked me up and then we went to go get, whom I will nickname here, Train-Wreck. I love this girl, but her life is such a mess and I've tried to help her so many times but you can't help someone who won't help herself. So we pick her up from Damons, take her to her house to get ready, and wait in the car. We didn't really want her to come b/c of how difficult it is to hear all her horror stories about her abusive boyfriend and know that she never does anything about it. It's like torture. She's such a sweet girl and her whole world has turned into such poison. So, after a few more stops, we FINALLY get to the bar. It was really really fun. It was my birthday celebration with Rose since she won't be around next week, and everyone kept buying me drinks. Shots and beers all night long. We did the three D's all night long;dancing,drag queens, and drinks.I can't tell you how much I adore gay men. I mean, I really love them incredibly. They are fun and sweet and flattering. They always make me feel comfortable. And they love me and Rose right back. No girls tried to beat us up, which was good, and we left there feeling very saucy and warm (Cassie wasn't too spiced up, so she took care of taking us home). I miss my Rose so much. She's my little girl :-)
Saturday really wasn't much. I worked a double at work. 11-9:30, and by the time I got home, I was so physically and mentally exhausted. It wouldn't have been so tiring if I wasn't working with the two ditziest hostesses all night. I'm not a mean person in the least, but there were two or three times when I had to hold back from screaming at them. I really almost wigged out. So, I get home, extremly aggitated and on edge. I was looking forward to Jamie, Mondavi cabernet,and Sin Cityafter Marci goes to bed. But, of course, she stayed up until 1 am, so I went to bed with her annoyed and depressed. I could of stayed up, but to be honest, I was in too much despair to be conscience. I've been like that a lot lately.
Today I worked from 11-3 and then me, Jasmine, Sarah and Tony went to the mall and I foolishly charged pin-striped pants on my already outrageously high Express card.
But, something did happen today. I saw Frank for the first time since he quit and my insides came off their tracks. I felt very jaded.
I still do.
Something about this boy always affects me like this. Even with everything that happened, I still chase him.
And I revel in remembering when he chased me.
When he would call me to see if I was going out or if I wanted to. When we would send text messages filled with inside jokes or quips about our day. When we would drive in his car exchanging useless facts and listening to "Work Out Plan." When he would come over and swim and we would lay out in the baking sun talking about our lives and our emotions and our dreams.
Because, the truth is, he was one of my best friends. One of the only people that seemed to care about a friendship with me. Whenever people do that, I am always very touched because I am usually the only one into the friendship enough to care.
And then things spun wildly out of control and our friendship is lost in the depris of my summer.
But, despite everything, I still like Frank. And no, not in the romantic way. Not even. I think I get so jilted by him because I really miss our friendship. I really wish things could go back to the way they used to be. Even more so, I wish that nothing ever happened so things would still be the same and I wouldn't have a toxic lump in my marriage.
But, now they never can go back to the way they were. Especially now that I am being honest with Jamie.
I tried to be friends with him again before. But, things kept getting screwed up and he stopped calling me and stopped answering his calls.
Sometimes I think I try to hard to salvage something that is already lost.
Sigh.
I don't feel like talking about this anymore. It's time to get Marci some dinner and get me some dinner.
I love you all!
_________________________________