To Emily.
I just assumed that she felt the same way Carla did. She probably does, but I should listen to her first before jumping to conclusions.
I offended some with my entry. I offer no apologies for that. By you coming into this diary, is you coming into my thoughts. I make no apologies for my thoughts. This is my personal space and I can write about whatever is on my mind, and thats what was on my mind yesterday. Sorry if you were offended by it, you'll get that much out of me.
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Hows it gonna be when you don't know me anymore?~Third Eye Blind
Today, I realized that I have been clinging onto something that isn't really there. Hoping that things will go back to the way they used to be. But, they never will. They never will because we are different people now. We've drifted too far apart, now. I shouldn't get tiffed when I am rejected, or not thought of. Because, the truth it, this has been going on for far too long and I need to just accept it and move on.
It's my fault too. I could of called. But our lives now are on two totally seperate hemispheres and I don't know why I kept trying to hard to bridge the gap and getting so frustrated when it would crumble into rubble every time.
It's time to let go. By me letting go of this, is me letting go of a lot of things. Letting go of the past, letting go of who I used to be. But, we'll always have memories. We'll always have pictures. Frozen time in pictures.
I have to admit that I'm sad. I'm very sad. I wish things could be different, but if I keep trying like I am, I'm just going to get more frustrated and sad when it doesn't work. I wish I was still a staple in the group. The funny one. The dramatic one. The one they look to to entertain them. To make them laugh. To be outrageous and stretch the normal limits. Why am I the one being pushed out? I guess I was never as much of them as I thought I was.
You can't keep chasing relationships.
Let them go.
Let go of the girl who got stuck in the locker. Let go of the girl who has parades in shopping carts for her birthday. Let go of the girl with the sexy dance and the silly cartoons. The girl who likes to skip class and go tanning with her best friend and laugh about it later.
She's gone. She died. She died when her friendships died.
I'm not letting go. I'm just not holding on.