But today and yesterday are just the same.
I feel hopeless.
I really hate school.
I had all intention to go to all of my classes today, but when I walked into Math, I saw people with their take home tests that I could of SWORE were due on Thursday and I jetted out of there and into here, the computer lab.
This did nothing to help the growing depression I have about school.
I am so sick of it. I am so sick of my failures and short comings that school brings out. It feels like I'm never going to be done, and I do badly because of how frustrated I am and its just an endless cycle. Every sememster, despite my efforts to make them different, is the same. I start out all gung-ho about it, but then, I fall behind and keep falling behind and want to give up. I wish I could quit. But how can I quit? I don't want to be one of those stereotypes. I want a good life. I want to give Marci more than I had. I don't want to stress over money or work in a job that I dread going to everyday. I want to feel some sort of accomplishment.
But its SO hard.
I don't know if this has to do with my ADD, but I have no motivation for it. I hate that it has taken me 4 years to finish 2 credit years of college. I can NOT be here for 4 more years. I do not want to be 26 and in school while all my other peers are either in grad school, or have good jobs. Thinking about that makes me physically sick.
I feel so defeated.
I want to just go away. Take some sort of adventure with Jamie while we only have one kid. I wish we could go live somewhere interesting for a couple of months. A sort of "study abroad" type thing. But, like with everything else in my life, my dreams require money I don't have. I am financially handicapped (or however you spell it.)
What am I supposed to do? I appreciate everyone's advice about getting goverment help, but the truth is, I don't think you can get that help when you are married. And I don't even know if we need it. We just need to buckle down and work more and stop being so fucking lazy. When we serve, we make enough money. About 500$ a week. It just takes everything in me to do that because I hate waitressing. I really do.
I'm so sick of this. I'm not this girl. I need to spread my wings and expierience life. You can do that with a child. You really can. But I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. I want to go back on my medicine, but I also don't want to be a skeleton. The new stuff they gave me doesn't work.
I wish I didn't have to rely on drugs to be normal. But I really feel like there is no other way.
I really want to go home and just sleep, but I have an appointment with my counsler after this. It's so stupid b/c she doesn't help me at all.It really is a waste of my time.
Sorry for the rants.