Here I sit, Sia on repeat on my ipod, examing the inner monster inch by inch.

The monster is smooth.

She's coy. She'll strike you off your feet and leave you wanting more. She's charming. She speaks with eloquent whispers that will intoxicate anyone who cares to listen. She's hott. Her killer body and her seducing eyes are hard for anyone to resist. She's flirty. She'll make you feel like you're her whole world...right before she crashes it down.

The monster is cool.

She's a knock out.She wants you to notice her in her rocker clothes with her rocker attitude. She's spontaneous. She wants to grab you and take you up to the sky. She's crazy. She wants to live before its too late. She's young. She knows what she can do and what she can get away with.

The monster doesn't sound too bad up to now, right? Well, thats wrong. Because I am all these things...but the monster is more. Much more.

The monster is decietful.

She lies. She'll say anything if it will keep her from getting caught. She's selfish. She wants what she wants no matter who it hurts. She's secretive. Secrets keep her excited. Keep her living.

The monster is addicted.

She's chasing rushes. Drugs excite her. They make her feel cool, and free, and fun. They make her feel like she's actually living. Sometimes, its hard for her to be sober. She's lied about these rushes. She's twisted.

The monster is twisted.

So, now what do you think of the monster? More importantly, now what do you think of me?

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There you go, diary readers. Honesty. Complete honesty. I struggle with this monster every day. The monster that makes me want to go back to coke (and any other drugs I haven't tried yet) and makes me want people that aren't my husband.

I haven't cheated again and I haven't done any drugs. But, I have to acknowledge that it has been something that I argue with myself over and over.

I don't want to be this person. This liar, this cheat, this druggie. Who is this? Who am I? I have no idea. I really have no idea. All I know is that I don't WANT to be this person. I really really don't.

I don't want to WANT to do drugs.

I don't want to WANT to be with someone other than Jamie.

But parts of me want that. Parts of me want to break out and be the villian again. Jamie doesn't deserve the villian.

Sometimes, I think that I shouldn't be in a relationship with anybody because I always end up cheating on them at least once and then both of us get hurt. Even Patrick, who I loved despretly, I slept with someone else and I fooled around with countless others. What is it going to take to make me stop? To make me WANT to stop?

Its not Jamie. It has nothing to do with Jamie. He's so incredibly wonderful that I can't even explain it. It's me. It's either everybody else on the earth, or me. So, chances are its me.

I want a relationship that I don't want to ruin. I want to be so incredibly happy with a man that I have absolutly no desire to be with anyone else. To be so consumed by him that the thought of someone else makes me sick. I've never had that. But I want it. I want it so intensely. My life would be so much easier. How do I get it?

And I don't WANT to want to do drugs. But, its like, I always want something to alter my reality. I always want something to give a little kick to my day. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I think I'm a drug addict. Any type of drug (well...with the exception of like heroin or pcp or something) I want. Anything. Whether it be wine, or pot, or coke, or anything at all that gives me a high. I'm addicted to being high. Not so much that I have the shakes or I go through withdrawl or I want to sell my body so I can buy it. But to the point where I would lie to people I care about...lie to myself...to do it. That scares me. I scare me.

I really scare me. I am two seperate girls. The one girl is sweet, and kind, and honest and always wants to do what is right and make people happy. She wants a family, home cooked meals and to cuddle up with her husband at the end of her busy day. The other girl is a slut, scandalous, and mean. She wants to do whatever she wants, no matter who it hurts. She's selfish and will do what it takes to get what she's after. Those are my two personas. That is my life. Katie vs.The Monster.

Help. I've done it again. Hurt myself again today. And there's no one else to blame.~Sia