You can tell that I haven't taken my adderall in a couple days by the state of my apartment. It's not a terrible mess, persay, but it is definatly the messiest its been since we moved in. And I have had no motivation to clean it without my pills.

That is so sad to me.

I stopped taking them on purpose because although they gave me all this motivation to clean and work hard and be productive, they also make me jittery and irritable. But now, I am a lazy slug again. I feel very frustrated. I have to weigh in each situation. Whats worse: Being edgy and antsy but doing well in school and living in a clean apartment or being relaxed and easy going but slacking off and living in my own filth? I thought there was an in between but there's not. Hmm.

So, it hasn't been an incredibly eventful couple of days, but some stuff did happen. For example, Friday night I'm at work...trying my best not to flip out on the girl-shaped balloons we call hostesses. (seriously..these girls are some of the stupidest people I've ever come across...they are very sweet people and I can usually handle it but when I am head hostess, I tend to freak out. My boss actually told me he wouldn't fire me if I knocked their heads together.) To be honest, my "don't flip out and yell at these poor girls" plan wasn't coming along well. I was EXTREMLY on edge with them and they must think I am such a bitch to work with. Then Sharon calls to tell me Jamie called her crying and she's taking him to the ER. So I rush into the back and tell Libby I have to leave and she drives me to the ER and there is my poor baby: in his work clothes sitting in the ER waiting room. He had one of his episodes but more intense: extremly fast heart beat, numbness in hands and face and disorientation. They did and EKG and blood tests and at 1 am, we still didn't know what was wrong. We still don't. Not all of his blood test results came back yet. I'm really worried about him. It's baffling all of us. He's doing ok, now, but these little episodes come over him and he's crippled. This one was really extreme. Pray we find out whats wrong and can take care of it.

Saturday was just filler. We were supposed to have play group here (AGAIN) and they canceled at the last minute (AGAIN). I think I'm being black balled from our play group. Who knows.

Also over the weekend Erin, Anne and Wilson came over: some of my old best friends from high school. It was nice to see them but also kind of sad. It reminded me of what I lost.(Especially when I found out that I am living in the exact same apartment that Emily lived in when her and her family were waiting for their house to get built.) I've been really nostaligic over my JFK days lately. It's just hard going from being in this tight knit group of friends to hardly having any close friends at all anymore. No one I can depend on, at least. I feel like there is a hole somewhere inside me. Jamie says "Don't be upset. I never really had any good friends either and I'm fine." But the thing is, I did. Now I only really have one thats here. I have Rose and Maggie and Mer, but I don't see them much. I just have Jasmine. I have friends at work, but they aren't very close to me--no matter how hard I try. I wonder if it will ever change. If I will find a new group. I really hope so. I feel like just a little blip on life's radar without real friends. I feel like I don't mean much to anybody.

Yesterday I was an extreme bitch at work. To everybody. Everybody that walked in that door...without even talking to them...just seeing them walk into the door made me hate them. Maybe I'm PMSing. People were worried about me. They'd be like "Uhh..are you ok?" for the whole day, which, of course, only made me even more annoyed. And THEN I spazzed out on this server Kris. I was in the dining room (a seperate private room that only servers use, mind you) and I hear him say to someone "Yeah and I'm getting this party and dumb ass Katie sat me." I SNAPPED. I was like "I ALREADY FUCKING TOLD YOU I DIDN"T FUCKING KNOW YOU WERE GETTING THAT PARTY! FIRST YOU FUCKING BITCH THAT I HAVEN"T BEEN SEATING YOU AND THEN YOU FUCKING BITCH WHEN I DO! MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND AND DON'T CALL ME A DUMB ASS BEHIND MY FUCKING BACK!!" Everyone was STUNNED. They just sat there and stared at me. No one is used to seeing me like that. I NEVER go off on anyone like that...EVER. Then he started stuttering "Wow I'm sorry. Calm down." And we hugged. But, to be honest, screaming like that really did make me relax alot after. I was a lot less tense. Maybe I should try screaming more often.

Well, I have to go do my hair. Jamie is taking me shopping for school clothes today (Yay for first day of school tomorrow...syke)