I think it is so interesting how Marci doesn't like having her hands be messy. After eating or doing a variety of other things that she does to make herself messy, she'll hold her hands out, fingers completly spread, like a surgeon and go about her business until I wipe them off.

FYI.

I feel so geeked out from my adderall right now. It is the same feeling I would get from doing too much...::sniff::...you know. Past tense, of course.

Today in my Lit class, we finished watching Sense and Sensibility. I cried when Miss Dashwood fould out that Edward Ferras didn't get married and that his heart belonged to her. Of course, I had to take every effort to make sure no one saw my sentiments, b/c its embarassing to have strangers see you cry. Especially at silly things. Watching it made me want to dress more feminine. Wear more ruffles and lace. Dress up more. Mix it in with my "rock attire". Jamie told me the other day that he doesn't find me as attractive with the way I dress and do my hair now. He wants me to be more preppy. That really hurt my feelings b/c I feel like the way I look is really who I am, so it felt like a blow to me as a person. I am so comfortable with how I dress now. I am finally feeling like I am getting my own sense of style--of self. And for him to want me to change that makes me feel so...tamed.

I don't dress outrageous by any means. I'm not full on goth or anything. But I do like to look different. Stylish different. I like to think of my style as Carrie from Sex in the City mixed with a dash of punk. But he doesn't like it. He rather have me wear Gap cardigans and low rise khackies. So I blend it. I hate blending in. I am not knocking the preppy style, don't get me wrong. I do dress preppy on occasion. I don't know. I guess what he said has made me feel more self conscience. I have less self confidence now. I always want to look attractive, and when my own husband tells me he doesn't find me as attractive anymore b/c of my style, its frustrating. So I'm at a loss with what to do.

I have noticed that I am always trying to re-invent myself. Sometimes I don't know who I am. I have so many things that I want to be and I feel like I can't accomplish anything unless I narrow down my priorities. My whole persona revolves around art. My passion is art. Of all kinds. But I think I am kidding myself by thinking that I am an artist. I don't think my writing is all that great. My painting and drawing skills lack. I'm not a singer or a film maker, although I adore film and music. I want to take photographs but I don't have my camera yet. So where do I stand? Where is my art? I love doing all these things but I can't stand it when I don't measure up. I just want to be remarkable in SOMETHING. I want someone to see me as an artist. As someone with vision and creativity. Where am I?

Ok. Enough rambling. Maybe I'll find what I'm supposed to do and who I'm supposed to be one day.

In other news, I have decided to start a new "What I've learned Today" section. HELP ME KEEP UP WITH IT! I start these things and never finish it and I want to keep track of new things I learn. So here's #1.

What Kate's Learned Today:
I watched a program called "Bizarre Food:Asia" (yeah I watch that stuff) and in Japan, eating the beating heart of a frog is considered a delicacy and is said to be good for vitality and stamina in men. It was really disgusting, to be honest. I don't think I could handle it.