Until last night.
It is killing me to say that the person who has emotionally and verbally hurt me the most is my husband.
I was debating whether or not to write it in here, b/c its really not something I want to remember, but I just really need to talk to try and help me feel better.
We got in a REALLY big fight last night. I was really mad that he was out an hour later than I wanted him to be (1:30) b/c we had a doctor's appointment this morning and Marci was being a night owl. Anyway, he comes strolling in, and this is where its my fault--I completly SNAPPED. I have never EVER gotten that angry in the history of my existence. At first, I tried to talk civilly, but he was smirking in my face and had this cocky attitude that made me lose it. I can see how someone can kill somebody else in blind anger (NOT THAT I EVER WOULD! I'm just saying that I can see how anger could effect someone like that!!) b/c I punched him in the face! I punched him in the face, threw wine bottles and a taco on the floor. I was livid! The worst part is, I did it in front of Marci, which, I cannot express how incredibly TERRIBLE I feel about that. I mean, I feel really really bad and embarassed about it. I should have never reacted that way, let alone around Marci. But what got me even madder, was the whole time, he remained perfectly calm and arrogant with the stupid little grin on his face, calling me a crazy bitch. Jamie and I never fight, and everytime we do, its a blowout. But I still should have restrainted myself. Even just a little.
I finally got my head on straight, I tried to talk more sensical, and I said "I cleaned all day and cooked you dinner and have just been trying to make you happy and I feel like you staying out that late is very selfish b/c I'm SO exhausted!" And thats when the sweet man I know as my husband disappeared and this monster came out. He became SO verbally vicious. Telling me that I don't do shit around the house and he does everything, and I said "Well thats not my choice! We decided I would stay home and you would work! I don't mind getting a job!" And he said "I HAVE to work and go to school because you're too fucking stupid to!" And I just looked at him with my jaw on the floor that he would EVER say anything like that. I have always been EXTREMELY sensitive about my intellegence. I've had issues with it my whole life. And to hear my husband, someone who is supposed to be my #1 fan and supporter, say something so cruel, hurt more than if he would have punched me in the stomach as hard as he could. And he didn't stop there! He kept going on and on about how incredibly stupid he thinks I am and how he has to take care of me because I'm too stupid to take care of myself. And the reason why he wants me to be a stay-at-home mom is b/c thats the only thing I can do. He said "The only thing you've gotten out of school is $13,000 worth of debt!" And just ON AND ON. I never let it phase me when he calls me a "cunt" or a "bitch" or a "coked out whore" (as is his favorite when we get into these big blow out fights), but this..I just couldn't believe it. And then he said something about me being a bad mom and how he deserves better than me, and just completly ripped me apart. He's never gotten like that before.
And he kept that confidence the whole time he tore me down, which made it even worse. Because its not like he snapped and lost it like I did. He still remained calm and cool as he said all those things. Remembering it now, he didn't even seem like my sweet Jamie. He seemed like a monster. And he wasn't drunk at all either! I just kept walking around the house in a fog saying "I can't believe you think those things. I can't believe you said all that.", while he told me to shut the fuck up and he doesn't even care what I have to say, because I never say anything intellegent.
I'm sitting here crying about it now b/c it hurts just as much as last night. The only reason he started being nice to me is because I got so worked up that I fainted in the kitchen and it gave me contractions. Things calmed down by the time we went to bed and he was nice again, and he's been really sweet to me today, but I feel really different now. I just wrote about how amazing we were doing and how incredibly in love I was and we've just been THRIVING lately. Better than we've ever been EVER. I felt SO incredibly happy and lucky to have him. Now, I feel like there is a hole. Like, I saw this Mr.Hyde side of him and I can't forget it. Everytime he kisses me or hugs me or says something sweet, I just get a flash of last night. He apoligized and said he didn't mean it, but I don't believe it. He seemed to know exactly what he was saying. I feel really scarred, and betrayed, and lost. He was making me feel SO good and we had a long talk last week about me being a stay-at-home mom and he made me feel like that was a great idea and that he completly supported me to do something with my writing and school or whatever I wanted to do. He really boosted me up. I wrote about that. Now, I'm wondering if that was all a lie. A manipulation to control me. I was worried that he didn't respect me, but after that talk we had, he really made me feel like he did and he appreciated me. Now, all that is gone.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get past this attack. How to get past that my own husband thinks I'm an idiot and can't do anything. I would have been less hurt if he would have cheated on me--as crazy as that sounds, its true.
My head is spinning from crying and from where I hit it on the kitchen floor last night. I think I might delete this entry after a few days, so read fast.