I wrote out everything I wanted to say and read it to him. It wasn't attacking him or critisizing him, it was just telling him how much it hurt me and how I feel now. How I felt like less of a person because of it and that if he really didn't mean it, he had to show me because I just can't take his word for it.
The talk went really well and he was really open and understanding and apologetic. He said he only said it because he knows its my most sensitive subject and that, at the time, he wanted to hurt me and he knew that was the best way to do it. He said he's really really sorry and that he will make it up to me and it won't happen again. I believe him. It's never happened before, and I think we both crossed a line that night that we should never cross, and I have faith we won't let that happen again. So, all in all, life is good once more.
One thing though, that I would like to document from that fight is this: During his rants, he said "I deserve better than you." And, without even having to think about it, I snapped back with "No you don't." This is a long way from where I was last year. Last year, I was consumed with guilt and feelings of failing as a wife and I dedicated myself to making life better for us and being the best partnet to him I could be and to make his happiness a priority. I am finally at a point where I can feel good about myself as a spouse and mother and not let the past hover around me at all times. Yeah, I messed up big time with Frank. It is up there as one of my top regrets (I think it ties with the whole "not spending time with my dying mother" one..which is my biggest). I cannot express how sorry I am about it. But, I can move on now. I don't feel like the scum of the earth anymore. I was worried that my guilt and feeling like complete and utter trash would take a toll on my marriage, but I overcame that. I'm a good wife. It comes naturally now to put Jamie's and Marci's happiness above my own. I don't try to make Jamie happy anymore because I feel like I owe it to him for what I did, I do it now because I love it and its almost an instinct. So, thats a good thing, right?
On a more shallow level, I went shopping for Marci's fall/winter wardrobe yesterday, and I am QUITE impressed with myself. My original plan was to hunt out thrift stores and garage sales for the most of her wardrobe and to maybe get one or two brand new outfits from the mall. I went to the mall with my sister Tia yesterday and we first went to Old Navy. GEEZE is all I have to say. Granted, they aren't overly expensive or anything, but they are definatly more so than they were before. I picked out an outfit for her and my sister said "Why don't we try someone else first and we'll come back if we don't find anything better. I just don't want you spending 40$ on one outfit when you haven't even looked around yet." So, we went to Target (Target is in our mall...which I LOVE!). And let me tell you something...Target is the holy grail of shopping. I have always been a Target fan, but yesterday, I became a Target worshiper. I got Marci 16...16 new outfits for $57.00! And not everything was on sale either! Just cheap! And SOOO cute! I got her this 80's style sweat dress and I got her those leggings that are so in right now and just TONS of stuff! Now, I barely have to go to the thrift stores at all! I am just too excited about it. I need to calm down.
Well, my Dad wants all of us to come to his house today and get whatever we want because he's cleaning it out. I've been waiting for my sister to pick me up for about 30 mins now. Thats how we roll in our family.
P.S.-At the end of the day, I am deleting my last entry because I don't want to remember it in that much detail. So, if you haven't read it yet, I would do it before 9pm