I don't know if its just me.

Or if its just Jamie.

Or what.

All I know is that every day, I feel this emptiness from him. Like the warmth disappeared. He's still sweet to me, but its like there is nothing behind it anymore. Hollow gestures.

He just seems a little disconnected.

And I have tried being the best wife I could possibly be. I can truly say, without hesitation, that I have put his happiness before mine. Especially lately. I've been 100% supportive. Loving, caring, cheering him on, ect ect ect ECT. And I feel like nothing I do makes any difference to him. It doesn't help this feeling of distance between us. I'm certainly not distant. I love him with everything in me and cannot possibly think of myself with anyone else. So what is this? Where did this come from?

And then my heart turns to cold fear as I ponder the idea of "another woman". Before, I dismissed this thought as illogical, but lately things seem weird. Nothing specific, I guess.

Also, it doesnt help calm these thoughts when he is constantly turning me down. God, not too long ago he was all over me ALL the time. Its strange. He has different excuses every time. So that just makes everything worse.

I'm so sick of feeling this way every single day. No matter what, I can't shake it. Even when we had a date night on Monday and had a lot of fun. It just went back to normal when we got home.

I wish I knew for sure. For absolute certain he wasn't cheating. I can't stand this wondering. It's killing me. But then sometimes I wonder if I do *REALLY* want to know. I guess what I'm saying is that I just wish he weren't and there was nothing TO know. Maybe I'm like this because I cheated before. Maybe it makes me more suspicious. Who knows.

I just miss my husband. I miss that certainty I had of his love and commitment to me...to us.