It contains lead and tin and marble and granite.

I don't know what to do to help it. I have two babies.

I know it seems like I only write here when I am depressed, so I will say that today we packed up the family and headed to Cleveland for some house hunting. Since Jamie got a great new internship full time in the summer, we are thinking about moving up there. However, we were a little discouraged because everything is either too small or not in the best neighborhood. I pray we can find something just right!

But see...I can hide away in these dreams. Dreams of a new apartment in a big city. Dreams of Jamie landing a fantastic job. Vacation dreams. New house dreams. Dog dreams. Cat dreams. Public or private school dreams. But where are we in these dreams? Where we are now? If so, then those aren't dreams. They are nightmares surrounded by pretty things. I don't want this life. I don't want to be constantly rejected. Constantly put at a distant. Kisses on the head. Kisses on the cheek. I want a life with Jamie, but thats not what I have. He's not here. I don't know WHERE he is. How long do I sit here and wait for him to realize he wants to be present? I want to feel desired. Happy. Content. I get little spurts of that and then its gone and I'm left with only the memory of his arms. Only the memory of warmth.

Its so cold in Ohio this spring.