So the last two days haven't been all too exciting. I went out with Kevin Barry, I applied at Damons for another attempted reach into the job market, I almost got killed going to the lube, and I still hate my hair.
The other day, I went over Tia's to hang out for a bit, and on top of making a new CD, she's also writing a book. It's a collection of things she calls "Mom Moments", which on kind of journal entries she wrote through my mom's last months. I have to admit, it was pretty hard for me to read. Not just because I miss my mom (which I do SO much), but because it made me realize how much time I wasted. While Tia was sitting by her side and talking to her everyday, I was out gallavanting with my friends--to consumed in my social life to realize that I'm blowing precious time with my mom. I was only mentioned a few times in the book, and I just got/get so mad at myself. One thing in the book that upset me was this: "I sat with mom tonight and realized she was very depressed. She was upset that Dad's company wouldn't leave, and she was sad that Kate left for a night with her friends." That and this: "As Kate said across on the other couch talking on the phone, Mom turned to me and said 'Tell Kate I'm dying'". I don't know what was wrong with me. I am so filled with regret that I let everything pass me by. I want so badly to turn back time and sit on the floor by the couch that my mom had her last days on. To sit there and talk to her. Get to really talk to her. She wanted that so much from me and I was so fucking selfish. Tia asked me if there were any moments I shared with her that we could put in the book, and I am so ashamed that I can't think of one. It feels like she was more of Tia's mom then mine. I'm such a fool. I miss her so much. So much more then I thought I ever would.
Well, I need to get to school.