today is the fourth dec 12th. yeah i know. there have been thousands of dec 12s, but there was never a dec 12th to me until four years ago.

there was never a dec 12th until the day that my dad shook me awake and told me "she's almost gone."

there was never a dec 12th until i walked up the staircase and saw my mom's grey, lifeless body. so perfectly still, like it was a natural part of the bed she was laying on.

there was never a dec 12th until i called my friends so early in the morning and uttered the words i'd been preparing for months, but they still sounded foreign.

there was never a dec 12th until we gathered in her bedroom together to say our goodbyes before they took her away in a black bag.

there was never a dec 12th until i saw her left hand resting so gently on the blanket. perfectly preserved with her ring on. it looked like it never knew the rest of the body had cancer. it looked like it didn't know the rest of the body was dead.

and now, for the rest of my life, there will always be a dec 12th.