Before I get into my "daily log", I just have to write down all this crap rushing inside me because hopefully, by putting it in this little white box, will make it go away.
I'm feeling so alone.
I don't know why I feel as alone as I do. When Jamie's not here, its like I have absolutly no one. Everyone has there own things going on. I feel guilty asking even my sister Tia for company or help because she has her OWN family and her OWN stuff going on. This is when I miss my mom the most. Because, with my mom, I could ask her to spend time with me without feeling guilty--without feeling like I'm taking her away from something she'd rather be doing. Something she needs to be doing. I wouldn't feel like such an inconvience. Because she's MY mom, and I'm hers. I'm what she has. I can't count on my Dad for that--ever.
Sometimes, I daydream about calling her and asking her to come over. Having her buzz my buzzer. Walk up the steps of my apartment building. Having her as a guest in my home. Having Marci run up to her and hug her. Make her coffee. Cream and two sugars. Feel comfortable having her baby me like she always did, even if I have babies of my own now. Talking to her and not feeling like I am burdening her or taking up too much of her time, the way I feel with EVERYONE else.
Maybe thats why I like diaryland. I can totally vent or ramble on and not feel like anyone is waiting for me to shut up.
And then there are my friends. I don't even know if I can refer to them as that anymore. When did I fall off the face of JFK earth? Why don't people ever want to see me when they come home? I used to think it was because I was pregnant and they wanted to go out to bars. Well, I'm not pregnant anymore. I can go out now. And they still don't talk to me. I talk to them and I feel this huge wall. Like they patronize me with their responses. They don't try to let me into the loop anymore. Well, I've felt rejected my whole life so this is nothing new. It doesn't even hurt me. It just is. I'm used to it, I guess.
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Ok, thats enough whining for now.
I've actually had a really great week. Scarlett has been the baby mother's dream of. She's hardly cried in a whole week. She sleeps, she wakes up and smiles and plays, she eats, and then she goes back to sleep, and it starts all over again.
She's so squishy I can't even take it! Thats what we call her now--The Squish. The Squish and the Ba. She just turned six weeks on Friday and she seems SO big! She is my cuddly girl, too. Marci wasn't a big cuddler until she was about 16-18 months. But Scarlett melts on you like chocolate. She molds to your body. And she wraps her baby arms around your shoulder and grabs your shirt so tightly with her delicate starfish fingers. I love her so much its crazy.
Marci has been a doll, too. She LOVES Christmas. Everytime anyone buzzes our buzzer, she thinks its Santa. We took her to this place called "Kraynaks" in PA. Its a huge Christmas store but they also have this exhibit called "Christmas Lane" where you walk around and they have huge Christmas displays with animated figures and everything. Its really awesome and she loved it. It was so much fun going there as a family. It felt like "Ok, this is what Christmas is supposed to be." Especially since Jamie and I had just had two incredibly stressful shopping ventures the days before. I hate Walmart and I heart Target. Bottom line. That day just warmed me all over.
We bought ornaments there because we are doing a new tradition where we get new ornaments for eachother every year and put them on the tree Christmas Eve night. Marci's is the most hideous ornament I've ever seen in my life, but she picked it! People are going to walk into my house and be like "What the hell is that." First off, its HUGE. But not decorative huge...like, awkwardly huge. Especially on my four foot tree, I'm sure. I guess the general jist is its supposed to be a baby penquin, but it just looks like a huge white blob with eyes and a beak. Jamie and I couldn't figure out what it was supposed to be forever. Well, I guess it will have a good story.
And then, I was re-introduced into the 23 year old world and I went with my Rosie and Stacy to the Funky Skunk! I had SO much fun!! OMG! It felt SO incredible to be back there--my old stomping ground (wow I'm a cheese--and isn't it weird that a gay bar is my old stomping ground?)We watched the drag show, drank beer, danced, got hit on by both sexes, and taught a 70 year old queen to do the sprinkler! And to top it off, Scarlett was a dream for Jamie while I was gone! So, I didn't even have to stress about leaving him with both girls! I completly relaxed! I didn't get home till 3am but it was SO worth it!
Well, Tia has my crazy two year old so I could get stuff done, so I should really get stuff done.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
P.S.-Scarlett is baby Jesus at Christmas Eve mass tonight!!