Today I realized that if I wanted to kill myself, I'd have to get a sitter. But, with the weather we're having, I probably couldn't get a sitter to leave their house because of the roads. Is that depressing? I'm not sure.
Sometimes I feel like I am faking happiness. That I keep trying to convince myself that I am happy because if I let go and fall head first and keep falling into how truly unhappy I feel, then I will just lose it. I thought motherhood was supposed to be the best thing in the world. Then why does it feel like hell?
Why does having to take care of every little need of two human beings feel like a prison to me? Not being able to sleep when I want to. Having to let my dinner get cold while I calm down a crying baby that is mad that I put her down for even a SECOND to eat my food. Feeling guilty for putting so much time into cleaning my home and not playing with my two year old daughter. Feeling guilty for wanting to watch a show I want to watch for the first time all day instead of letting Marci watch Wow Wow Wubbzy for the fifth time today. Feeling guilty that the sound of her voice feels like tiny little needles pricking at my skull. Feeling guilty period!
I know there are great things about being a mom and I know the great outweights the bad and I DO feel the great when they happen, but lately, I can't help feeling mostly the weariness, the fatigue, the annoyance, and the inconvienance. What is wrong with me??
I really feel like this is a result of Jamie being gone as much as he is. When he's around, I'm not like this. I have energy and drive and I'm happy. I really wish there was a way he could be home more. I feel like I'm falling apart!
I just feel completly done with being this overwhelmed. I am *SO* over it.I was doing so well! I had my life in order and organized for a total of 13 days! What happened! Oh thats right...one day, I didn't feel good and then it all went to shit. ONE fucking day of not doing my new routine and it collapsed. Now, I feel like I have to start from the beginning. The house is a DISASTOR and how am I supposed to find the time to clean it with a whiney two year old and a needy infant?? There is no time! GOD I just feel so resentful right now. Resentful of my kids, resentful of Jamie, resentful that this is how my fucking life ended up.
Ok. I need to stop being so negative. I'm going to put a movie on for Marci, do as much cleaning as I can in that time, and then play with her. Thats the only way I can drag myself out of this. I HAVE to get out of this. My kids deserve a good mother and right now, I don't fit that description.