My dad called today to tell me he rented a dumpster and a dumpster guy (or whatever) to clear out my house on Monday. SO whatever I don't want sold or trashed I have to get by then.

My house is one of the hardest things I have to talk about or even THINK about. It feels like someone died, but they are still there. They are a shell of everything you once knew as home. They are nothing but a cold, empty, grey shell. All the memories that lived there are only soft ghosts echoing in the walls. I look at it and I see birthday parties, Christmases, breakfast, lunch, and dinners, sneaking in boyfriends, sneaking OUT boyfriends, movie nights, regular days, slumber parties, summers, winters, springs and falls, riding bikes, honey suckles and roses, our garden, my Mom. I see all that, but now only in clips and glimses. Its there and then its not.

Why am I having such a hard time with this? Its just a house! Its just wood and bricks and dry wall. Its a THING. Its not a person. Why does it feel like so much more than that?

Maybe its because everything still feels SO fresh. This time last year it was still there. Marci's 1st and 2nd birthday parties were there.

Its not like I resent my Dad for selling it. Maybe even a little, but not much at all. The neighborhood is going down and also, I would NOT want Joy to live in the same house my Mom did.

I just hate goodbyes.

GOD! I HATE THIS!!! I fucking HATE this. I hate that all these aspects of everything I used to know as constant are changing. But why did I expect them to be the same? Why did I expect everything to stay in the same place?

I miss my Mom. No one knows how much I miss her. And with the selling of the house, I feel like the only place that I could go and still picture my mom in is gone.

Why did I have to lose her. Why me? Why did everyone else in my family be able to have children that knew her. My girls are the only ones who never met her. Out of everyone I know, I'm the kind of person who needs the mom the most. So why is mine gone?

Enough of this.