--Something Corporate
I've always had a hard time with beginnings. I really don't know how to start this entry. I just know what I want to say in the middle. So I guess I'll fuck structure and organization and just talk.
The only word I can say to sum up everything with me is "sucks".
I've been having these weird mood swings lately. One minute I'll be happy and laughing and then something small will set me off and I just feel like I'm sinking in emotional vomit. (great picture, huh?) The world just has a way of turning so gray so fast. I just get in this haze where I don't even feel like myself. Like I am just a zombie. Thats how I feel now. Like I'm detatched from life.
I can't express how much I wish I had the normal college life. You know, the dorm, the walking to classes, the sororities, the parties, the friends. I don't have that and it KILLS me. It kills me because its a once in a lifetime way of life and I don't get it. I was looking forward to it so much, and I don't get it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm very glad I stayed here to be with my mom, but the "one semester off" seems like its turned into forever.
I feel like I gave up so much. I miss my old dreams. It feels like I completly abandoned that "Shining Starlet" image. Nothing is shining anymore. I miss New York. Just thinking about that brings this huge lump in my throat.
I go online on a Saturday night and see everyone's away message up. "At the kegger" "At the frat party" "At my formal" "Our partying." And I know it sounds shallow, but I feel like I'm missing out on so much.
I miss friends. I miss having a group. I miss MY group. But we're not a group anymore and that gets to me too. Nothing will ever be the same. I really wish I just had a group of friends to hang out with. That sounds stupid too. This all sounds stupid.
The only good thing that came from giving up this much is Jamie. I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't here. I'd go stir crazy. Even more then I already am. He really is worth it.
I'm just really confused about what I'm feeling. Why I get like this. When I sit down and think about it, everything seems so stupid and I just push it back in the dusty old filing cabnet of my brain. I hate that I'm like this.