It's 2:38 in the a.m....a while ago, I was too tired to do this, but now, even though I'm tired, I feel like I have to write or I can't sleep. It's like my thoughts have piled up on my bed and I have to get them out of the way before I can crawl under the covers...because sleeping with stuff on your bed is never comfortable.
I wish that, for once, things could be black and white for me. That I could just get rid of all this gray. There is never only one way to go with me. Sometimes thats a good thing, but sometimes it can really fuck you up. I know I've always tried to live by the "Forget Regret" motto, but truth is, how can you forget regret? Regret is everywhere. Every choice you make is, in some way or another, a life or death decision. Is it wrong of me to want to make sure that my decision(s)are sure to make me happy? I wonder about a lot of things lately. About how my life will end up, and what I can do to make it as good as possible. Regret is my biggest fear, so God forbid if I want to avoid it by any means possible. I have found that being absolutly and completly honest with yourself is not as easy as it sounds. Its like there are 2 people inside you. The one that wants to cough up everything, and then there's the one covering the other one's mouth and saying "No no no..don't listen to her...she doesn't know what she's talking about..she's drunk." No matter how hard you try, that happens. Sometimes it happens because maybe what you are really thinking is the harder thing. Maybe you try to convince yourself of what you want because that way is easier. What you really want would be a lot more difficult to achieve, so you settle. Settling leads to regret which can lead to unhappiness. That's why, before you make any decision, you should examine each angle carefully. This is what I learned when I put Katie under the microscope.
I'm living in two differant worlds these days....